An open letter to BB - from ‘‘Dad’’
It rains now. The cold has blown in and the sky is overcast. The day is bleak for the tragedy that has become.
BB. For six years I have had the honour of standing by your side. You seemed to accept me. Moments pictured like this were dedicated solely for your 'dad', at least until age mellowed the warrior, a character fit for a king.
I can still recall with great clarity the day of your arrival and the weeks that followed. Whilst everyone else feared you, I could see the fear in your eyes. Those endearing eyes hid so much beneath, so much just trying to break free.
Your aggression upon first meet was just that. The lashing out in defence and distrust accumulated from your past. Used simply as a 'breeder' you were cast aside with vigour when not called upon by your previous handlers. Suddenly, a new home, new people, but the same dogged insecurity. The puzzlement that must have accompanied you, the forced but warranted prejudice unbearable.
It would take time, dear boy. And, along the way there were scary moments of headbutt and chase. All the while I blamed you not for I knew this was not who you were. Underneath those dark eyes blackened with anxiety lay a big Merino boy just searching for acceptance and a person from whom to gain comfort and befriend in faith. This you found my boy, and a loving offsider I gained.
Yes, throughout those beautiful six years we would set about rewindinding your troubled clock. Like the cuckoo on the mantelpiece set to rerun time. Each and every day we would grow closer, understanding seeping from the pores. Others still wary, myself totally unfazed and more than prepared to grant you your time and that which came with.
You simply don't realise how happy I felt as the head swings ceased, the steps backward for run up turned from aggression to galloping for embrace. This not for my personal pleasure, but for the recognition of your self esteem and inner calm. Your comfort meant everything to me. Your feeling of love my only concern.
You taught me and so many the art of absolute acceptance and non-speciesism. The only losers in your beautiful stance were your own kind as you chose horses as your true companions. The love you had for them all, especially dear Nebbie (RIP), will resonate as pure sunshine within my and many hearts forever.
You were unbreakable. So tall and strong. No-one could ever imagine nor foresee anything taking BB down. But, I stood by your side as you grew older. Still you impressed by your stoicism and age defying character. Do you know how worried I was as I saw you dwindle? I was so for I knew that someone so determinedly full of strength must be struggling upon sudden onset frailty. I wished with all my heart to cure you, to rewind your youthful existence. If only I were more than a mere mortal.
I am sorry, sweet BB. I am sorry that I had to remove your from your beloved horses in your final days. To not do so would have been a cruelty I was not prepared to witness. I would rather feel your wrath and scorn than to allow you an undignified and premature ending. But, such was our relationship that I know you forgave. You treated your final days as did I; the growing even closer of two bonded souls.
It should have told me so, your final day. Your calm sitting by the fence line as you simply enjoyed the vision of gazing your paddocks so. There was another that did as you did; Gizmo, your past friend, on his final walk. And, that last night, the clues should have alerted me. Your tender walk outside of your stable to visit me as you heard my voice close. All you wanted was the kisses that I gave you and the words of "I love you" that echoed from my mouth. And I very much do, I cannot stress how much. I know that you know, and that last night you were saying goodbye. You knew your time was near but, in true stoic loving fashion, you wished no fear in the eyes of he who took fear from yours. Your eyes lit up with love one final time.
Today my heart breaks, beautiful boy. To find you broke me into a million pieces. I wanted to remain as strong as you but I couldn't. Your strength is so undeniably sound. Mine was drawn from you over six years. Now, you are gone and I feel my strength has left with you. My friend is no more. How unbelievably surreal is you not being here to cuddle just once more.
These are all memories I will hold until my ending of time. I will continue in your honour, BB, for you allowed me faith and the knowledge of good behind all. Yours and my life; the first meet, the understanding, the trust and finally the kinship are worth more to me than all of the riches mustered. In fact, you enriched me.
Farewell my dear friend. We understood each other, you and I. For those years two were enriched, two were happy. If there is somewhere you look down upon I will continue to smile with you. For now, my tears are for you.
Rest with Nebbie and Gizmo now. In afterlife you are not forgotten.
Goodbye my friend.
Dad.
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